Funerals To Come
Funerals To Come
One thing these very trying times currently should have made all of us realize is that whatever was deemed normal before is now anything but. The goals for the future should not simply be a return to what was normal previously as that has proven to be tried and failed. And this does not at all support any concept of a new normal as being pushed upon us, but rather we, as a society and not a bureaucracy, must determine our path of normalcy going forward.
One such aspect that should be considered for new, or additional, options is the funeral process that American’s have become accustomed to. It has become standard to contact a funeral home at the time of need for them to chemically treat the body to be displayed at a viewing where gatherers congregate for mourning, grant support for the family who has endured the loss, and for positive remembrance of the life that was lived. This is followed by a religious ceremony, then a vehicle processional to the gravesite for a brief visit where more religion occurs, then a feast for the attendees, and lastly the attempt to go about their lives as routinely as possible. Many have just accepted this as ‘the way that things are done’ and then pay the often exorbitant cost, more than $20,000 based upon a recent personal experience. A funeral service ultimately sells nothing but a memory.
Before going any further let’s clear any potential misperceptions that may arise. This is not an attempt to demonize funeral homes, their practice, or their place in our society. They are not greedy, heartless, morbid people looking for quick millions in profits with titillations for the dead. I push for a better awareness here.
In 1984 the Federal Trade Commission, FTC, devised what is known as the Funeral Rule. This was done in an effort to make it clear for consumers to understand what they are getting for monies paid and the choices available to them for the disposition of human remains. What they did was standardize the structure and wording of the general price list for all funeral homes. This is why it will be noticed that these tend to vary very little among these businesses, especially within a given locale. Also, a state Health Department can add to the layout and terminology presented in the lists while not diminishing the original intent. NY is one of the states to have done this. These lists are required to be presented at request or at the start of any meeting discussing funeral arrangements to be made. In other words, funeral homes are heavily regulated and must adhere to specific procedures. It is also worthwhile to note that funeral homes, cemeteries, and grave monument shops are distinct operations. It is illegal to operate them as a collective corporate entity. As such a funeral home has no control over the cost of a gravesite nor the opening of the grave nor the stone or monument that is placed there.
Embalming and cremation are deemed the mainstay choices. Embalming, simply put, is where the fluids of the decedent are replaced with chemicals, all of which are released into the sewer system, intended to retard bodily degradation for a limited time, specifically the duration of the funeral service. These are also dyed for cosmetic purposes. While rarely, if ever, required by law most funeral homes are loath to have an open casket visitation without embalming. This is due, in part, to the legitimate concern about lawsuits for mental and emotional anguish if a family witnessed unwanted decomposition processes of their loved one. With cremation the body is placed into a flammable container, often a heavy cardboard box, and then placed into a retort that reaches up to 2000 degrees. This leaves bone fragments which are pulverized to fit into a container such as an urn and are known as ‘cremains’.
One overlooked option that is available at all funeral homes is direct burial or cremation. This leaves out much expense as it is as it states to be. While large attendance is not usually possible the family may make arrangements for a service, often without a viewing, prior to final disposition. The cost to the family for this method has increased over the years though it is much less than the standard way we are used to. If a viewing is determined to be preferred, especially with an open casket, the cost can rise significantly due to the other elements that go along with it, including facility rental fees and supervision by the staff.
In the circumstance that a casket is buried there needs to be a grave lining container to insure that the ground does not collapse as the materials break down. These can be upgraded, at additional expense, to a vault and these options can be discussed during the arrangements meeting. Many may feel that a sealed, protective container for the casket will help their loved one last longer underground but the reality is that even the best treated body will decompose with time.
The term ‘traditional’ has been added upon many things, funerals being only one of them. But traditional services like these were done at the home in the past. Flowers helped to mask the odor and today are beautiful sights of decor. It has become frowned upon to consider having a wake service in the home, unless it is a funeral home. This is unfortunate as we have stemmed far away from where we have come and it places more distance from the idea of the home and family being the central point of life. It is fine to have other options but not all of them should be removed from choice. Perhaps there are regions where this option may be more of an accommodation.
Another method that has gained traction recently are what are known as ‘green burials’. This eschews chemical treatments, use of facilities, and caskets. The body is wrapped in a shroud and buried in the earth. Many cemeteries have such sections available. Feel free to inquire about them.
Alternative methods are being considered and developed throughout the nation. One such method is alkaline hydrolysis, aka water cremation, which dissolves the body into a nutrient-rich solution that can nourish the soil. The bones are left behind and returned to the family much the same as with cremation. The liquid solution can be obtained as well or donated to farms. Viking style funerals, setting the body on a floating, burning ship, are permitted in very few areas at this time but the interest is rising.
The process of grief must be mentioned as it isn’t always clearly understood by those not enduring this painful process. We can have sympathy for those who have lost someone dear to them and an industry of greeting cards has been made for this purpose. We can all grieve but not everyone grieves the same way, much like painters or songwriters do not create their art the same. Grief can be intense with sudden ups and downs. Saying things like “I know how you feel”, while well intended, may not be accurate. Such words, while often welcome, may miss the mark. It can be welcome to allow the mourner to speak, scream, cry, to just be there for them. One moment they may hug you with intensity and the next they may push away and chastise you. It is usually not a personal insult but rather a reaction to the turmoil they are experiencing. Do not just tell those suffering to call you any time they need you, instead take the initiative on your own. Call them. Stop by and visit. Bring food and help with daily chores. It will be appreciated and helpful to those in need of comfort. Routine things can become a burden.
Some of those in grief will try to subdue their own emotions and be strong for others in an effort to allow them go through the process. Grieving is physiological, it has an affect on the body that should be handled otherwise it can build up to present imbalances later on. Denial is said to be the first stage of grief. It must be confronted. The jewish custom of shiva, a week-long mourning period, can be healthy as it forces one to face the reality of the loss directly. The pain of grief may never truly end but will diminish over time. Yet we can always have those moments where it arises from seemingly out of nowhere. That is the curse of love and loss.
It was felt that grief should be mentioned in this writing since when someone is going through that it can be difficult to make clear, informed decisions. In fact, any important decision should be held off for several days, at a minimum. And if one is seeking an alternative form of funeral and is not fully aware of available options in advance it may become more difficult to make that choice in the moment.
Death and dying are not comfortable subjects and thusly have been dismissed from the public at large. We hide these aspects by ‘leaving it to the professionals’ to manage these matters, out of sight, out of mind. It is well past time to brave that which we would rather avoid. Death is inevitable.